Being CHURCHY smothers friendship, does not promote love, and hinders the work of the Gospel.
That is why we must make every effort not to be "Churchy" Christians.
When we are, we hurt people.
We drive people away.
And sometimes, we drive them away from more than just ourselves or our church fellowships....
CHURCHY Christianity, produces a paradigm I call "Churchianity."
What does CHURCHIANITY look like? I'll share a personal experience as an example.
I had plans one evening to attend a regularly scheduled Bible Study at a
local assembly I love to visit several times a year. The pastors and I have known and respected one another
for many years. And, because the pastors of this church are much more
than acquaintances to me, I call them friends. But I am forced to use
the term loosely, because the reality is, they fall shy of being
true friends.
The reason is CHURCHIANITY.
I can love them and support them [and their ministry] in many ways, but
cannot include them in my inner circle of friends and confidants, because I fully
appreciate their limitations in relating to people in the capacity of
equality and friendship--which requires transparent honesty
[while maintaining healthy boundaries], and genuine respect.
These are good people. They are not dysfunctional in the traditional
sense--they are truly lovely in most respects. But they are
dysfunctional in the religious sense.
You see, the shield
of their "pastorship" stands on full alert against the equality and
intimacy that true friendship demands.
Do not misunderstand. I do not encourage disrespect of callings and
positions of leadership, we should love and honor leaders who exhibit
good examples of Christian living. And even CHURCHY Christians generally
have many admirable traits which unfortunately are often diluted due to churchiness. What I am addressing in this post, is hiding behind titles, positions, religiousity, and CHURCHIANITY, things which have a track-record of taking priority over relationships.
I have observed that many [well-intentioned and basically good-hearted] Christians seem to be unable to lower the shields of their "position" or CHURCHINESS...ever.
And it does damage in the lives of God's people.
Sadly, most seminaries teach future pastors and Christian leaders, that
the attitude of the couple in my story is the correct posture for
pastors and their wives to take--but I disagree with that position.
The family
relationship that connects every member of the Body of Christ cannot
flourish in a hierarchical, military-like, chain-of-command, structure
that overwhelmingly produces CHURCHY and JUDGEMENTAL Christians, who
fail to relate fully with those who may need their love and friendship but
are instead rebuked, even rejected, when they make choices that may not
be wrong at all but fall outside the paradigm of CHURCHIANITY.
While
appreciating this couple's many gifts and strengths, along with their sincere
passion for the Gospel, I understand that they embrace the paradigm of
hierarchical Christianity which includes filters that cloud
discernment and prevents true empathy and bonding in the fellowship of
the Holy Spirit.
Back to my story:
Since I had communicated with the pastor's wife about my plans to
attend that evening, they were expecting to see me, so I felt it only
right to let her know I would not be coming.
The reason? Earlier
that afternoon, I had learned that a dear friend [of almost twenty
years] had passed away. This person had been a beloved friend, a part of the
landscape of my life for twenty years. And now that landscape had been
unexpectedly and dramatically changed...and I was heartbroken at the
look of it, at the loss of a friend, ally, and mentor.
Since I was expected to be at the Bible study that evening (I was not
teaching it), I texted the pastor's wife and told her that I would not
be there and briefly explained that a dear friend had died, I had been very weepy
all afternoon, and simply was not up to interacting with people or
going anywhere, not even to church.
The well-meant but "CHURCHY" response I received to that text, flabbergasted me.
And to be honest, it totally ticked me off.
I had obviously shared my sad news with the wrong person, but more
importantly (I'm sharing this the way it went down--the way I felt at
the time), I felt I had shared it on the wrong day.
In her texted response, I was told they were sorry for my loss (so far
so good), then I was rebuked for skipping church and condescendingly
assured that they would pray for my "strength."
Wow. How does being
rebuked for not attending someone's 501c3 group meeting that night
translate into love one another, bear one another's burdens, and weep
with those who weep?
What would have been wrong with saying,
"We're so sorry to hear. We love you and understand. Would you like some
company later? We can stop by for a bit after church?"
I certainly would have
appreciated their understanding and their offer, though I likely would have
declined as I really did want to be alone that evening.
What I
did not understand and did not appreciate, was being told that church
was the "best place to be" that night [despite my wishes to the
contrary] but they would "pray" for my "strength."
THIS, is an example of what CHURCHIANITY looks like and what to do if being a CHURCHY Christian is your goal.
Please understand, that I never, EVER, turn down prayer. I appreciate
and solicit all prayers on my behalf. And I generally believe gathering
together with other believers is [or should be] one of the greatest
places on earth to be. But I'm old enough to remember the days when
people who called themselves your friends CAME TO YOU in times of
sorrow and loss, instead of expecting you to come to them. And they certainly did
not rebuke you for preferring to be in your own home during an evening
of private grief because your news had the bad taste of inconveniently
arriving on a day their 501c3 organization was holding a regularly scheduled
meeting.
I thank God for local churches, but almost all local
fellowships are 501c3 organizations where the ekklesia meets. It is the Christians themselves (not the 501c3 faith-based non-profit organization) who are the CHURCH--the ekklesia.
Sadness over the loss of a friend does not generally make one weak
I did not feel I needed strength that day--only the time and space to grieve the loss of my friend. At the time, I felt the statement about praying for my
"strength" was more connected to my choice to stay home from church rather than the fact that I had lost a dear friend. I felt that my choice to spend the evening at home in private grief rather than come to church was viewed as weakness. I still feel that way.
But I felt my grief was normal, appropriate, and even healthy. What was
wrong with wanting to mourn my friend's passing in the solitude and
privacy of my own home instead of at a public church meeting?
Right or
wrong, I felt both remarks [praying for my strength and the rebuke for
not coming to church that night], were condescending, "CHURCHY," and
lacked empathy. And in the emotional weepy state I was, it impacted me
in a much more dramatic and painful way than it would have had my sorrow
not been freely flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks all that
afternoon.
Being sorrowful because someone we love has died, is
not a "weakness." It is completely natural. What I would have loved and appreciated, would have been a
positive message that my sadness was understood and that I had friends
who loved me without placing inappropriate "church guilt" on me for not
attending their meeting simply because someone had died.
I realized that I was emotional and
worried that I might have been over-reacting to what I felt was a
CHURCHY response. I knew this Christian did not intend her message to
hurt. But her religious response, containing a thinly-veiled criticism
and condemnation had injected a sense of injustice and even anger into
my grief that did not belong there. I did not feel that I was doing
anything wrong, but they obviously did, and now I had to deal with that
judgement on top of everything else (and I wasn't dealing with it too well at the time, I didn't
think).
I did not feel I was being a bad Christian, but they obviously did. I did not feel I owed anyone any explanation at all
as to why I did not attend their meeting that night--except as a
courtesy, because I had made special plans to be there, and had told
them to expect me.
I was offended. I admit it.
I discerned
the rebuke and condescension and felt they were passive-aggressive
"CHURCHY" remarks, intended to set me straight in a way that would
hopefully not make the person making the remarks appear or sound
uncaring.
But that's exactly the way they looked and sounded to me.
Now, I know that the person who made these remarks generally means well
and probably spoke without thinking how her remarks might sound or how
they might be taken by someone who had just admitted to her that they
were in an emotional "weepy" state. But "CHURCHY" attitudes [from this
person] had come out more than once over the years. We have communicated
together about this "issue," but to no avail as of the time of this writing.
Everything is swept under the rug and remains unresolved.
How much of this can any relationship bear?
I write this, in hopes that light can be shed on the the problem of
"CHURCHY CHURCHIANITY." It is widespread. This is not the only example I
can give--and have heard from others whose experiences are even worse. My hope and prayer is that God's people will see CHURCHIANITY
for the shallow and hurtful, lose-lose, fraud, that it is... and change it.
Yes, this interaction affected me in a personal and hurtful way. Did it
cause me to write them off and vow never to visit their church again?
No. I have fellowshipped with them many times since. Did it cause me to question and doubt their good intentions and
faith? No. We are all works in progress. Did it cause me to question
God's love for me? Of course not.
But I have spoken with many people who testify that has not been the case for them.
CHURCHY Christians do not intend to drive people away from fellowship
with other Christians or even away from God, but they sometimes do!
Loving one another other is not rocket science, and religiousity has no place in relationships.
People of God, it is time to throw out CHURCHIANITY. It is time to
repent of the times we may have been "CHURCHY" Christians ourselves [if
we are truthful, we can admit that, at some point, we all have been],
but through the help of the Word of God and the power of the Holy Spirit
we can be convicted of hurtful behaviors and attitudes...and change them when they appear in our own lives. We can stop churchianity in
its tracks.
Have
you experienced hurtful and disappointing CHURCHY CHURCHIANITY? How did
it affect you? How did you deal with it? Share your experience in the comment section below.