The picture (above/left) is me (far right) with an anonymous litigating Protective Mom (far left) and protective mother Amanda Joy (middle). We attended the 2008 Battered Mothers Custody Conference together. Our tee shirts read "SHINE A LIGHT ON DOMESTIC VIOLENC."
I write to increase awareness and occasionally speak. Most recently, I have been invited to speak at a church luncheon in the FL Panhandle.
I don't professionally counsel or coach victims. I do what I can, and I don't hesitate to refer to local resources, DV hotlines, or to the national hotline if a local one is not available. There is much more we can do, but in some cases, referring to the hotline and shelter is the only safe thing (for all involved--including the advocate...even if a relative) to do.
One awesome advocate, who is a survivor and very good friend of mine, was helped by her local hotline where she was counseled for quite some time before being helped to escape from her abusive and violent husband. She then lived in the shelter for months.
She sought help from her church leadership before calling the local domestic violence hotline, but they refused to help her because her abuser was the youth pastor there.
I save the number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, along with numbers to local hotlines, shelters, and resources in my phone contacts and advise others to do the same, especially pastors. It's not a Christian cop-out to do this, and it could save lives.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800.799.SAFE (7233)
Early in my advocacy I spearheaded a project to empower Church leaders and lay-Christians to respond knowledgeably, compassionately, and biblically to victims of DV. I received an overwhelmingly positive response from church members, but not a single pastor responded. The church members who were interested in heading the project at their churches couldn't get it past their pastor's desks.
Here is a link to a more detailed announcement another advocate wrote about the project. It's a shame the project was stalled by church leaders. That was in 2008. Maybe it was before its time. Maybe I should try again. What do you think? https://ajoyrn.tripod.com/
I lived because a great and mighty God went before me in preparing the way for me not to die. I will not go into the steps he took (over a period of years, months, weeks, and days) in setting me up to survive. Suffice it to say that two days prior to the event, when I felt an almost irresistible urging to begin fasting and praying for someone not to die, I had no idea I was fasting and praying for myself!
The story of that fateful day, and of my great miracle, is posted HERE.
I was raised in the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), so I understand the restrictions against women within that denomination. In my mid-twenties, I began attending a denomination that had no problem with women as church leaders and pastors. So, I enjoyed the freedom of growing in my gifts and callings within a local church setting.
Our Creator has plans for us. Beautiful and bountiful plans that sometimes, in our minds, take far too long in coming to fruition. Over forty years ago, the Spirit of the Lord promised me that he would restore to me all the years the locusts had eaten. Little did I know at the time, how very much more the locusts were going to eat before restoration would come.
God made that same amazing promise to his wayward people Israel. They were suffering as a result of grievous sin against him, and yet, even in their sin, he had plans for a better future for them. In the midst of their rebellion against him, he looked on them with compassion and said… “I will restore to you all the years that the locust have eaten.” The locust represented sin. And everyone knows what a swarm of locusts can do. They fly by the millions into a lush and green landscape, and, within a few hours, strip it completely bare.
The locusts of sin had stripped bare the landscape of blessing in the lives of God’s people. The locusts of sin had caused untold misery and suffering, even in the lives of the faithful, because the sins of others had adversely affected them as well. Let’s focus on that for a moment.
Perhaps locusts brought in by parent’s or spouses devoured most or all the good stuff in our lives, leaving a bare and fearsome landscape not of our making. Those who grew up with abusive parents or married abusive spouses understand all too well what that landscape looks like. The locusts devour entire childhoods. The locusts devour happiness and relationships with spouses, family, and friends. The locusts devour finances, along with physical and mental health, and so much more.
But there is always good news for those who belong to Christ. When we don’t give in to bitterness or despair, when we trust in the Lord and do good, when we delight ourselves in him and commit our way to him, we have a loving Creator, who not only died for our sins before we ever knew or loved him but who promises to restore back to us all the years the locusts have eaten. I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, that’s a LOT!
The Spirit of the Lord spoke that promise to my heart, in a moment when I was being petulant and unappreciative [I immediately repented]. He has been making good on it ever since. He continues to restore to me the years the locusts have eaten… All of them!
Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say REJOICE!
Article by Jocelyn Andersen. Reprint from Adorning His Bride Magazine.
Domestic abuse and domestic violence are rare. FALSE. According to the department of Justice. Three of every 100 American households is affected by domestic violence.
According to the National Census Bureau, 3 of every 100 households adds up to approximately 37,000,000 Americans, primarily women, who are experiencing domestic violence or abuse.
What is domestic abuse? Simply put, domestic abuse is warfare. It turns the home, which should be a sanctuary of peace and safety into a battlefield filled with destruction and misery--with the abuser waging psychological warfare, and sometimes physical warfare, against his or her victim(s).
Only women are victims of domestic abuse and/or violence. FALSE. Department of Justice figures show that men comprise 5% of domestic violence murder victims.
Studies prove that women violently abuse just as much or more than men do. FALSE. Department of justice statistics do not back those studies. As one supporter of those studies succinctly put it, "With a U.S. population of 297 million, it's possible to cherry-pick a small, non-representative, sample to prove nearly anything."
Substance abuse is a major cause of domestic violence. FALSE. Treatment for substance abuse will not cure domestic abuse or violence. Although substance abuse is often used as an excuse for domestic violence and can certainly exacerbate and intensify incidences of abuse (and substance abusers do need to address the issue), it is not the cause of domestic abuse or domestic violence. Abuse and domestic violence are inflicted on victims by those who have an excessive need for control. In the case of men against women, the root cause of abuse often stems from a deeply rooted sense of male superiority over women.
Anger management will prevent abusive behavior. FALSE. Anger management will not cure abusive behavior, because anger is not the root cause of spousal abuse or domestic violence. Although controlling anger is always helpful, it will not prevent recurrences of abuse if the core values of the abuser are not challenged and changed.
Submitting to the demands of an abuser will stop or prevent abuse. FALSE. Studies have shown that the more submissive a victim is, the more likely the abuser is to continue and even increase the abuse. It is not recommended, however, to directly challenge a violent abuser.
Finding a good couple's counselor will help resolve abuse issues in a relationship. FALSE. Couple's counseling will not prevent abuse. Abuse is a personal issue as well as a choice on the part of the abuser. Although abuse will cause problems in a relationship, abuse and/or domestic violence does not stem from problems within the relationship. When it comes to domestic abuse or domestic violence, the saying, “It Takes Two to Tango,” does not apply. One of the reasons couple's counseling is not recommended in the case of domestic violence, is that it increases the risk of physical violence and potential harm to the victim.
The book, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, is available free with Kindle Unlimited. Gifting print copies to spiritual leaders and shelters is a great way to participate in Domestic Violence Awareness month in October. But why wait for October when three women will die today from DV, and another three tomorrow, and another three....
Does that statement make anyone besides me want to hurl their accounts into the chamber pot?
Aside from a few soundbites of the politician making this statement, the only objection it drew was from a few blogs, a few discussion forums. The social media dust storm, that should have formed over it, never happened.
Chivalrous drivel (Yes, I did say drivel) such as this, does nothing to empower women, nor is it healthy for men and boys.
The concept of chivalry does not mean — nor has it ever meant — common courtesy.
Everyone should practice common courtesy and cultivate respectful attitudes and behavior toward all people, regardless of sex.
When the idea of chivalry was first concocted, it had zero practical application. It was all a big romantic show, play-acting with absolutely no substance.
Let’s get this straight, women were not revered in the days of chivalry, nor were they protected. Women had no social or legal status beyond that of their most powerful male relative. Women had no recourse against domestic violence or abuse (which they needed protection from more than anything else). Both in public and behind closed doors, women had a place, were expected to stay their place, and faced sometimes devastating consequences if they did not — nothing new then or now.
Chivalry was a demeaning and fraudulent concept to medieval women. It is still so when applied to present-day women.
How so you ask?
In, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A response to Evangelical Feminism, John Piper instructs men in how to subliminally exercise male authority over women who may be their superiors in the workplace by using exaggerated courtesies, such as speaking softer to women than to men, opening doors, and offering their chairs to women. Is that not chivalrous? To a tee it is.
But Piper's advice makes a mockery of common courtesy. It is insincere, condescending, contemptuous, and demeaning. “Courtesies” extended from such motives should rightfully be scorned.
In explaining how courtesies can be used to masculine advantage, Piper, who also writes that it is inappropriate for women to hold equal or superior positions to men in the workplace, shames men and advises that they might want to consider changing jobs as a long-term solution to having a female boss. He says real men are not able to tolerate working for women.
Man-shaming is common among complementarians. Men who buy into it, are psychologically crippled and trapped in a belief-system that places expectations on them that they can never fulfill.
Let's be clear, men do not have a “chivalrous” responsibility to women — only a responsibility to treat everyone, including women, with respect and common courtesy.
Should the physically stronger always be ready to protect the physically weaker — regardless of age or sex? Absolutely. Try snatching a baby away from a mother and see what happens. Try assaulting a woman in front of her husband, boyfriend, father, brother, or any male friend who cares about her, and see what happens.
Nothing is 100%, but most people are ready to stand and defend those they care about. Many are ready to stand and defend (within their power) anyone who needs help. These things are not what this article speaks to but rather the rhetoric and misogynistic concept of “chivalry,” which is one of the oldest and most flourishing shams in history, ... and, shamefully, is still espoused today, as evidenced by almost a half-million results in the internet search on "How to be chivalrous."
The medieval concept of chivalry harks back to feudal times when cultural and legal systems forced women into total dependence on men for just about everything. Provision and protection was not something women had access too, unless they had a husband, father, brother, or other male guardian. It is only in relatively recent times this has changed in the United States, but women and children without male providers are still statistically disadvantaged.
Chivalry was an ancient double-edged sword that provided a social facade of protecting women while keeping them in their proverbial “places.”
In the days of chivalry, as in today's patriarchal complementarian movement, women had limited protection from the men who claimed to keep them safe. With few variations, it has a modern-day counterpart in the organized crime “protection racket.”
“Pay (submit to) me (stay in your “place”) and I’ll protect you.”
“Who do I need protection from?”
“Why, from meof course!”
Let’s give benefit of the doubt, that the concept of chivalry, that women should be revered and protected, has not been thoroughly thought through by contemporary people just as the popular term “rule of thumb” has not been thought through, but that’s for another article. Let’s assume they simply do not understand its implications and sincerely believe chivalry is no different from common courtesy, which is a good thing. But our job is to inform and educate. So, here goes with one not-so-small example….
The notion that women need to be “revered” should terrify any woman. Why? Because revering a woman, “putting a woman on a pedestal,” is one of the early-warning-signs that a woman might be dating a potential abuser or batterer. This is red flag behavior.
Women are not asking for special treatment. They do not need, nor do they want, to be “championed and revered,” … unless the “championing” part is in favor of absolute and Constitutional autonomy and equality with men.
The idea of “championing” women (unless it's championing autonomous equality) is obsolete and unhealthy for both women and men. It is a continuation of a hypocritical and medieval idea that should have went the way of the dinosaur and jousting matches long ago but remains firmly entrenched as the double-edged sword it has always been. A thorn in the flesh to modern-day women and men.
The misguided idea of chivalry stands in the way of existential and Constitutional autonomous equality of the sexes.
What about equal pay acts, or violence against women acts, or anti-discrimination acts? These are civil laws not Constitutional Rights and would not be necessary if women were protected under the Constitution in the same way men are.
Women ask only the respect due them as human-beings created in the image of God and born with the same “inalienable,” existential —innate and God-given—rights as men. Many men do champion the cause of Constitutional equality for women, and our thanks go out to them.
Did you know that the United States is one of the only free countries that does not have an Equal Rights Amendment? Pictured above: Ryan Watson went the distance with me in the 2012 Warrior Dash. We ran in support of the Equal Rights Amendment. We brought much needed attention to it and were almost unrecognizably mud-stained [head to toe] by the time we finished. It was AWESOME!
This writer is not saying there are no differences between men and women (Thank God for differences!), just that the differences are no basis for inequality and abridged autonomy. Reasonable people acknowledge and celebrate differences between the sexes without the need for gender-based hierarchy and phony fronts of outdated and overstated courtesies (chivalry) to keep harmful boundaries of social and Constitutional inequality in place.
Below is a picture that illustrates one remarkable difference between the sexes. You can read the story behind it HERE. But be warned, it's emotional.
A man might do this to his truck (unlikely though not impossible), but the driver of this 18-Wheel driver is a strong and courageous woman — who is not ashamed of being a woman — making a very special delivery.
Common courtesy and respect that establishes and reinforces equality is in. Exaggerated and outdated ideas about chivalry, that establish and reinforce inequality is out.
Wednesday March 2, 2022, 2:30 EST:Interview with Felica Clayborne on Kingdom Hope Connections Radio.We will be talking about "Having the Heart of God."
Gail's children are currently in the custody of their father (who has been convicted and served jail time for physically assaulting and battering Gail on more than one occasion). The children are being abused, neglected, and sexually molested by their custodial father. The courts will not remove the children from this environment despite documented evidence the abuse is indeed taking place.
In addition to abusing the children, Gail's ex-husband is using his money and the court system to harass and abuse her through litigation. The father has money and can afford sharp lawyers. Gail has no money and cannot get an attorney.
This family and others like them desperately need our prayers. In addition to all of the above Gail also needs her heart healed and repentance to take place in her life. Although she is in church every Sunday, she is angry with God.
This is an authentic situation as related to Jocelyn Andersen by Gail--a non-custodial protective mother (her name has been changed as she is currently in litigation).
How to Tell If Abusers Are Not Changing Abusive Behavior?
An abuser has not changed when the following factors are present:
Says, “I can't change unless you do,” or “I've changed, but you aren't changing.” This is an attempt to convince the victim to give up rights and freedoms in exchange for not being abused.
Says, “I'm not the only one who needs help.” This is a refusal to accept personal accountability for the abuse, trying to gain sympathy from the victim, family members, and friends. The abuser who says this, is still lying about the abuse and attempting to cover it up. There is no acknowledgement that the abuse was wrong, no remorse concerning the abuse, only sorrow that there are consequences to pay.
Refusal to allow the subject of the abuse to come up or gets angry when it does
Refusal to discuss controlling behaviors and attitudes
Continues to deny the abuse, minimize it, excuse, or justify it
Defends abusive behaviors. Insists that the victim “just get past it.”
The abuser plays the victim by asking questions such as, "How could you do this to me?"
The abuser continues to blame the victim for all the problems
Overly charming behavior, continually reminding the victim of all “the good times” and ignoring the bad
Trying to buy victim back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers. All while insisting on the need to stay together to work it out (abuse must be stopped. It cannot be “worked out').
Refusal to seek help, or promises to get counseling or other help, but never does.
Seeks help then attempts to convince the victim that he is cured, pressures her to take him back now. Examples: "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding." Or "I'm learning a lot from this program" (If an abuser is using this kind of pressure, as soon as he gets his way, he will most likely drop the program. This is why it is very critical that before considering reconciliation, watch his behaviors, talk in depth, and give it time. If he is truly changing, he will respect your desires on this).
Sometimes, instead of counseling, the abuser will suddenly claim to have found God; he goes to church a few times. He might even go as far as to get baptized and join a church.
The abuser cries and begs. They particularly like to do this in public so the victim becomes embarrassed and appears to be "cold hearted."
Does things to sabotage the victim’s efforts to make it on her own.
Harassment or stalking: If the victim asks for space or time, the abuser refuses to allow it and continues to make contact.
Harassing by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing up at work, or hanging around family.
Continues to restrict the rights of the victim
Continues to behave in a superior manner
Continues to make it difficult for the victim to express herself or speak freely
Continues to demand constant attention, will not allow the victim to take care of her own needs.
Continues to put down and criticize the victim, ignores her strengths and contributions to the relationship.
Refusal to support the victim’s independence or to acknowledge her rights
Holds on to double standards
Continues to deny victim her fair share of the marital assets, i.e., money
His wants and needs continue to be placed above all else
Refusal to recognize damage caused by the abuse
Becomes angry with the victim over consequences she has suffered due to his abuse
Is angry or seems confused as to why you fear him, do not trust him, or are hurt and angry with him
Attempts to avoid consequences by trying to convince the you that something is wrong with you for allowing him to have any consequences
Behaving as if he is above reproach
Claiming that he would never hurt you despite the fact that he has done many things to hurt you
Angry with you for leaving instead of recognizing your right to have done so
Behaves as if you owe him
Impatient or critical with you for not forgiving him immediately or not being satisfied with changes he claims he has made but you see no evidence of, or with changes he may have made but were not the changes you requested
Only seems concerned with how difficult the situation is for him and no one else • Feels sorry for himself
Does not show appropriate concern for how you and the children feel about what he's done. Abuse does more than just hurt, it is damaging, and if he does not show appropriate concern for the damage he has done, then he has not changed.
Still does things that are inappropriate for an intimate relationship, e.g., cheating, not including you in family decisions, hoarding all the marital assets such as money, property, cars, stocks, bonds, etc. and refusing to allow you to have access to them.
Says he can only change if you help him, wants emotional support and forgiveness...and for the victim to return home immediately.
He claims to be changing, but you can see that he is not
He becomes angry with you for not realizing how much he has changed
He becomes angry with you for not trusting that he has changed. Abusers often apologize and then become angry if forgiveness is not immediately forthcoming, as if saying I’m sorry instantly resolves the matter. The victim is expected to drop everything and just move forward.
The abuser applies pressure for a reconciliation because he can't “wait forever."
He is rude about you to the children
He threatens and tries to intimidate you. This is default behavior for most abusers. If you do not stop asking for change, he will generally convert to threats and attempts to intimidate. This often includes threats to attack family and friends, threats to kill you, or "put out a contract on you," Threats that he will take the children away or get custody of them himself, or threats to kill himself.
These are all signs that the abuser has no intention of changing his behavior. This is his choice of how he wants to live his life. Your choice is, can you live with his choice?
5: Slaves obey lords according to the flesh with
fear and trembling[1] in
singleness of your hearts as [to] Christ
Ephesians 6:5
[1]The apostle meant what he said to
Christian slaves about fear and trembling before their masters. Slaves were
considered sub-human, and Roman Lords could do anything they liked with their
slaves. They could harm or kill them in any manner they chose. Paul was not
condoning slavery when he wrote this but rather was intent on the physical
safety of those in his congregations who were slaves.
The standing of women in Roman society [and in Jewish tradition]
was only slightly higher than that of slaves. Women were honored and respected
in the Hebrew scriptures, but not in
the Tradition’s. Jesus had nothing good to say about the Traditions, so Paul
would have been concerned for the physical safety of the wives in his
congregations as well, hence his warning for wives to fear their husbands.
Christian women of the first century experienced
an equality of the sexes almost unheard of in all of history [before and
after that era]. This liberty would certainly pose a physical threat to
wives of violent controlling husbands. Such men would not tolerate wives who
dared to exhibit personal autonomy. This liberty among early Christians would
naturally have the effect of escalating tension. Violence would have
increased in such marriages.
One shudders to think what the domestic violence mortality
rate of first century women must have been. The apostle knew this. He also knew
there was no [or limited] legal recourse in cases of violence against women, as
“domestic violence” was not part of first century legal jargon.
"This
book is well written, well researched, and a real eye opener."
"Andersen
is a gifted writer, and the book was easy to read even as it covers thoughtful
and sometimes technical information. I am glad I read it. I’ve read a great deal
about women in the church and home, and it is easy to think there is nothing
new to be learned or considered – but this book has a unique approach and
covers aspects overlooked by others. Everything is well documented with
footnotes in case you have questions or want sources."
"The
author is not only a gifted writer but clearly well-studied
and informed."
" I
was pleased that translation bias was covered in a chapter, an issue that needs
to be addressed, and one that I find quite hard to bring up with lay people or
everyday believers who lack knowledge about Bible translation. We can trust our
Bibles, but we also need to acknowledge that certain passages are difficult to
translate and bias can come into play."
"Andersen
tackles most of the primary the teachings of complementarianism with an
impressive exegesis"
Author and speaker, Jocelyn Andersen, is an eclectic
Christian writer. She is a Bible teacher who writes about many subjects
including Bible
prophecy and equality
of the sexes. She is best known for her advocacy in domestic
violence awareness. Her book, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, has been a staple in the library of resources on that subject.
If the topic of God and Women interests you, join the conversation HERE.
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