My thanks go to Connie Smith for contacting me and having the courage to
share her story in hopes that others might be helped.
How single, divorced, and
formerly abused women are viewed and treated within their local churches: My Story, By Connie Smith
I am a formerly abused wife who experienced
verbal, emotional, and physical abuse within my marriage. My pastor was aware
of the abuse before my husband and I separated, because I had gone to him for help with
our situation. After my husband and I finally separated due to physical
violence, my pastor told me to drop the restraining order I had been granted and
to allow my violent husband back into the house.
A few members of my church family were
secretly supportive of me after my husband and I separated, but they did not
dare let our pastor know of their support as he had made it very clear that the
head of the home needed to have his “rightful” and “entitled” place back in our
home.
I wanted to honor God, but I also wanted to
stay alive. I had my husband arrested
for his physical violence against me, and then he filed for a divorce,
which I
agreed to. After that, I tried to put the pieces of my life back
together and to remain at my church with the people who I felt were my
church family. I
had been attending and serving there for all of my Christian life,
and my children and I needed our church family’s support and friendship
more
than we ever had before.
We did not get it.
For quite some time after the divorce, I
felt as though I had been branded by my “sin” of divorce and was being forced
to wear the shameful scarlet letter. Although (to my knowledge) my former
husband was not subjected to the same derogatory attitudes from the Christian
community as I was.
Even though I had not committed the sin of adultery, and I
was not the one who sought the divorce, I felt a kinship with the woman in the
Bible who had been taken in adultery and was condemned to be stoned before
Jesus intervened and saved her life. There was no doubt that she had sinned,
but where was the man in that situation? He was there, and he had sinned too,
but he had not been condemned to death like the woman had been.
Why not? He had committed adultery too. But,
for whatever the reason, his sin had simply been overlooked by the male
leadership of his day.
As a divorced, formerly abused, woman, I
found it increasingly difficult to feel welcomed and loved at the church I had
called home for eight years. In all the time I had been there, I had never felt
pain and rejection such as this. I was hurting. I had experienced a devastating
loss. I had loved my husband. The divorce was not my idea, and I fully expected
my church family to rally around me and my children with comfort and support. I
expected they would weep with me and help me to bear a very heavy burden.
I have watched as Christians supported those
who have lost spouses due to death, but while I was experiencing personal
devastation when my marriage ended in divorce, there was no group of caring people
gathered around to support me and my children in our loss. Why is it that
Christians fail to realize that in divorce an overwhelming loss is suffered, as
well as in widowhood? As a psychology major and having gone through divorce
myself, I can tell you that divorce is also loss that requires a grieving
process. However, the Christian
community rarely accepts it as such.
I
struggled with wanting to be accepted by my church family but felt condemned by
many of them for granting my abuser a divorce and attempting to move on with my
life. As I became stronger and more confident that I had done the right thing
in leaving my abusive situation and cooperating with the divorce that he sought, I sensed strong attitudes of
disapproval coming from my church leadership and from much of my church family.
I found myself leaving church services with
my “tank empty” so to speak. Instead of being uplifted and encouraged, I felt
condemned and discouraged.
After my divorce, there was no doubt that I
was being viewed differently by the leadership of my church than before. And
that, in turn, influenced the way my fellow church members viewed me.
I reached out to a woman in my church who
told me that the church leadership was more accepting of her once she changed
her “divorced” status by marrying again.
Another woman who had divorced an abusive
spouse finally gave up and left our church after our pastor directed many
degrading comments and jabs at her about being divorced. But I clung to the
hope that, for me and my family, things would change for the better.
After my experience with abuse, divorce, and
the resultant decline in the level of respect I received from my church
leadership (and from some of the members as well), I felt a desire to reach out
and help women who were going through the painful issues of abuse and divorce
by starting a support group at a facility associated with my church—both my
educational background and personal experience more than qualified me to lead
such a group. In a meeting with our all male Board of Directors, I was able to
communicate the fact that divorce is just as much a loss as death—sometimes
worse—because the lost spouse is still alive.
I also wanted to help raise awareness of the discrimination directed
towards divorced and previously abused women in our church who were
still single. I hoped to bring about positive change. I wanted to be a
healing link between church leadership and divorced women who had
experienced marital abuse.
I felt I was getting nowhere with the Board members. It was
like I was speaking to a brick wall, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, that
not only was I considered unfit for leadership at my church because I was
divorced, but the mere fact that I was not married was also being held against
me!
They did finally agree to allow me to start the group with the stipulation that I use approved
materials. That was a standard, reasonable, request. But I was stunned
when I was told that in order to hold the meetings, a married woman had to co-facilitate with me.
This was outrageous to say the least,
especially coming from a denomination that has traditionally ordained women as
pastors and leaders. Being married, to my knowledge, had never been a
requirement for church leadership—certainly not among the male leadership. It
seemed strange to me that the only qualification the Board of Directors was
concerned about in the matter of my co-leader, was that she be married.
It was a sad day, for me, when I felt forced
to leave the place that had been my church home for so long. But I felt as
if I had been spinning my wheels and there was no more tread left. It was time
to go.
I visited a new church where I was welcomed
with open arms. I felt grateful that
there was a church in my city where functional equality between men and women
was taught and practiced. No one there condemned me for protecting myself and
my children by granting a divorce to an abusive spouse.
This season is all about Jesus, our
Redeemer’s birth, and I want to pass on that same support, that I am now
receiving from my new church family, to hurting women where ever you
may be. I want to encourage you not to
give up on the promises that the Lord has given in his Word, and to
remain
faithful to His promises that are encased in love.
Have you experienced the horrors of abuse
and then added to that the pain of rejection from brothers and sisters in
Christ who were supposed to be there for you in your time of trial? Remember, you
are redeemed through the birth of
that small baby who was laid in a manger, and his hands are reaching out for
you today! Yes, YOU!
If someone has branded you with a scarlet
letter, rip it off! Remember it is the scarlet life-blood that totally redeems
you. Let no one keep you branded. There is a confidence that comes when we
realize that the Lord has redeemed us. We often will not even have to speak,
and the nay-Sayers will see that we are changed. Sometimes our silence is
stronger and more convicting on their hearts than words could ever be.
And remember that whatever has happened to
you has happened to Him. Our Lord was abused and rejected. And like him, we
were meant for victory. We were made to glorify Him!
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